idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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