Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
You LOVE me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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