yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
