I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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