A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
