i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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