1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
