Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
