What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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