hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
