ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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