god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
