did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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