I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
