i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
