I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
