you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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