I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
