just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
