I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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