I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
