Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
