she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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