I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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