i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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