I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
