if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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