my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
