There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I smell stomach acid.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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