Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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