the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
