i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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