You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
