There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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