if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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