my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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