I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
