Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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