I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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