checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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