Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
