She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize