im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
