I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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