Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
