He felt like a one man threesome
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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