So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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