your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
