He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
