Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
