At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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