this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
