so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
