No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
In America we eat man semen.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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