JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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